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Love is a fucking big word. There’s probably no general meaning with which everybody agrees. I guess the way you see and define love is dependent on your past experiences with it. Love can be literally anything.

Before I took off my mask, love was something utterly unimportant to me. For me it was all about having physical relationships with girls without this emotional stuff. I didn’t really think I needed love. In fact, I didn’t seem to notice the love that was happening all around me the whole time.

And of course I also didn’t seem to notice when somebody else honestly liked me on an emotional level, because well, it just didn’t matter to me. I thought I could be happy without all that stuff and that people who were in relationships were stupid, because they restricted themselves to only one person. I was pretty much running away from love.

But after taking off my mask I was ready for anything. I just wanted to observe myself and my feelings more and more and see how I would feel and react in whatever situation. So naturally I chose to stop running away, but to let myself receive love. From that moment on I really wanted to be in a relationship, I guess.

But it didn’t quite work the way I expected it to. You know I believe that by any means every human being has to learn how to deal with love at first. There is this famous quote from the book „The Perks of Being a Wallflower“ that really stuck with me since reading it first:

„We only accept the love we think we deserve.“

There’s no doubt that everybody on this planet deserves love, but does everybody on this planet also think they deserved it? Probably not. There are bounteous people who think that they are not worthy of love. Maybe you’re one of them. I myself am still struggling with accepting true, unconditional love as well. In my opinion it is one of the hardest things to receive something without doing anything. To receive something for just being who you are.

For me love often feels like a gift that surpasses all your expectations. Where you just gape and say: „Oh, that’s too much of a good thing and certainly too much for someone like me! I’m afraid, I can’t accept it“. The giver then replies with: „But I like you so much and I think that this is appropriate for you.“ And at some point you cease being stubborn and take the gift, but the bad feeling of not being worthy of it and the thoughts about why someone would give so much to an ordinary person like you won’t go away. Because you didn’t do anything to deserve it.

Our whole lives we’re told that nothing in this world is for free, so we anticipate love to be no exception to the rule. And thus we try to persuade the ones we love or want to love of how special we are in order to receive their love, in order to feel better about ourselves, in order to fit in so that we can tell the world: „Hey, I’m loved! I’m not alone, I am not a failure!“.

But by trying to love and be loved so desperately, by really wanting to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship, just for the sake of not being alone, you won’t be happy when you finally are in a relationship. Because love is not something you choose to do. It just happens.

Love is something that just happens!

Way too many people think that if they love and are loved back they will be happy all of a sudden. They carry the needs of safety, comfort and closeness to another person with them. But these people don’t understand that these feelings are not the result of loving each other. It’s exactly the other way round:

We love somebody because that person makes us feel safe.
We love somebody, because we feel comfortable around that person.
And of course we love somebody because we’re close to them.
Finding someone and developing these feelings for each other is truly beautiful. I believe love to be the result of that.

But as I said, the biggest love won’t give you anything when you don’t think you deserved it and thus don’t accept it. I had to learn that the hard way.

In my past I continously had bad luck with girls. Some of them just made fun of me from the start without me realizing it. And sometimes I would suddenly be soooo „in love“ with a person I maybe kissed once. And I chased after them for months without having a real reason to do so, even when their interest in me was clearly no longer present anymore. As a result I always tried to find the mistake within myself without even considering the possibility that maybe not everything was my fault.

When someone hurt me it never was, because that person maybe was just a stupid fuckface or because it simply should not be that way. Or because we just weren’t made for one another and didn’t fit together. No. It was always me who was not good enough for her and thus deserved to suffer that much. Because maybe she would realize it some day that there was a person who was going through so much pain just to be with her. Maybe one day she would just wake up and start loving me back.

SPOILER ALERT: This assumption turned out to be bullshit.

There were two girls in my life in particular who made me realize that and I really did suffer a lot for them. I can’t say that I enjoyed it, but I learned many things during that time.

I met the first girl in that very summer when I removed my mask. At that time I still had difficulties dealing with my feelings and showing them, because I had rejected them for so long. This turned out to be the central issue in this affair, because everytime when she wanted to show me her affection towards me, I didn’t even notice, since allowing feelings and becoming vulnerable felt so wrong and strange at that time.

Eventually she made it so obvious when she just texted me how she wanted to see me again and kiss me again. But I, behaving like a total jerk, thought that I still had to prove myself at this point and so I rejected her. Just because I simply felt that she was way too good for me. Just because I felt that I didn’t deserve someone like her.

A few weeks later she got into a relationship with somebody else. I think the main reason why I held onto her so much was her boyfriend, because he treated her like crap and I, clinging to our past beautiful memories, wanted to show her so badly that I would have been the better choice for her.

The feeling that you have to convince somebody else of how good you are is actually indicating pretty well that this particular person is not worth the struggle. If they really liked you, then they would give you the security you needed in order to feel accepted the way you are by that person. Love is not about proving somebody else over and over that you are enough. Feeling like you're enough around somebody is the proof that the love between you is real.

But sometimes the other person is not the problem, but rather it's your own self-esteem and you just can't accept the love from others because you can't accept that you yourself are lovable enough for it. That's when things start to get a bit more complex and in my situation, both turned out to be the case.

Ultimately she broke up with her boyfriend and of course I immediately thought that my big chance had finally come then. I wanted to do everything to get together with her and it stressed me the fuck out. But in the end it didn’t matter, because shortly afterwards she got into a relationship with somebody else.

Not for a single moment had I been perceived as a possible partner for her. As a consequence I realized that what I tried to achieve all the time was futile. At a later time I saw that even though we got on well with one another, she had nothing which could have had enriched my life in any way. Our interests and lifestyle were just too different and I often had the feeling that in the long run we could not have been able to hold talks beyond the scope of small talk.

But through her I learned how important it is to be in tune with somebody else regarding interests, worldviews and lifegoals. Of course, they don’t have to be exactly the same, otherwise I could just date my mirror image.

I guess two people have to excite one another and be a small incentive in order for a long-term-relationship to work.

Eventually the second girl was a person like that. We could talk about anything, because it simply was beautiful to listen to the other person’s opinion while noticing how we were enthusing each other. I fell for her pretty fast, but I had bad luck. She already had a boyfriend. But because of me frantically striving after love and wanting a relationship so desperately, we came out of touch pretty fast.

Many things happened in her life after reestablishing contact a few weeks later. She ended the relationship with her boyfriend, she got to know some other boy who was actually there for her during that time, while I was struggling with my own problems and finally the two of them came together.

But in contempt of her being in a relationship she would always show her interest in me. And when I desperately asked her whether we would get together someday maybe, she replied with: „Maybe, I don’t know right now.“

That was the biggest mistake she made and in a situation like that it’s the biggest mistake you can make in general.

Getting rejected and being told that there will never be a future between you and the other person hurts very much, but after that it’s over. It’s just over. You can get over it eventually. But if you’re held in suspense it’s a bit like waiting for your own execution.

And thus I couldn’t put her behind myself and I even stayed in touch with her, because we were friends and her boyfriend had been a buddy of mine as well. It had never been easy to see these two together in front of my eyes, but I somehow bore with it. I bore with many things for her and I gave up a lot of things for her. I did plenty of things just for her.

I wanted to change. I wanted to change in order for her to like me. I wore certain clothes because of her, I ate certain things because of her, I listened to certain musicians because of her. I even got into fucking therapy for her, because I thought that there was something wrong with me and I had to improve myself in order to be able to deal with her presence.

And as a consequence I really became a healthier, calmer and generally more positive person, because of her. Actually I’m really grateful for that. Who knows what kind of person I would have become if I hadn’t met her.

But when she finally rejected me, it really felt like a relief. The only problem was that my life and all my motivations were so characterized by her. I really did only live for this single girl and I did literally anything to be liked and wanted and loved by her. And with a few words all of that vanished, leaving nothing over for me to work towards or look forward to.

I didn’t care about anything the first weeks after that. At that time my life was just static and the only things I felt were emptiness and apathy.

So I experienced what being alone felt like. The state everybody fears so much, that they choose to get into relationships with people who they don’t click with. People who are toxic to them. Just for the sake of not being confronted with themselves and their own shortcomings.

It felt like nothing. And I didn’t want to feel nothing. But I had no clue what to do. Somehow I had no real identity anymore. Prior to this I only paid attention to what others would think of me, but never to what I thought about myself.

I fled from myself by falling in love. Not with other persons, but rather in the idea of a relationship, the idea of not being alone anymore. The girls I allegedly fancied had been more like an association with said idea.

So ultimately I ended up with no one to chase after. And I thought to myself:

„When I’m so afraid of being alone, I have to learn how to deal with that and be alone. Because how could I ever show my true self to anybody when I constantly pretend to be someone I am not, only because I don’t want to lose a certain person? What does that have to do with love in the slightliest, when I have to change myself? When I can’t just relax? Just in order to not be alone?“.

So I asked myself: „How do you learn to be alone? What does it even mean to be alone?“.

I guess for the main part being able to be alone means being able to accept yourself. With all your flaws and imperfections. It means being fascinated by yourself. By what you’re doing, by what you’re thinking and by what you aim to reach. It means thinking that you’re beautiful, regardless of how you look like and sometimes prettying yourself just because you love being dressed up. It means liking yourself, feeling safe, trusting yourself.

I believe that being able to be alone with yourself means being able to love yourself. Being able to feel like you're enough just by yourself.

It doesn’t matter how many people you have in your life, in the end you yourself are the only person who is always there. So I guess it’s important to come clean with yourself and stop hating yourself, but rather cheer yourself up. To treat yourself well, even when you made a mistake. To still love yourself despite something bad happening, because in this way you receive the warmth you require in order to be happy, without having to depend on somebody else.

And that’s what stills one's fears of being left alone. The fact that in the end there will be one person left who really loves you. And I believe that, before you’re able to unreservedly love with full commitment, you have to get this through your head.

Because this allows you to be entirely yourself without fearing to be alone in the end. It’s the misfortune of the other person who doesn’t recognize your beauty then. Because even when every person on this planet is rejecting you, there will always be someone, who can give you so much more than anybody in this world:

You.

I really hope that you love yourself or that you will be able to love yourself one day.

Some time after everything I told you so far, I got to know a beautiful human being and I really enjoyed the time with her. It was like I described it earlier: From the beginning I felt secure and comfortable with her and thus we became close to each other pretty fast. I could simply relax when she was around without having to be afraid of anything and that was such a beautiful feeling. I felt so calm around her and I believe that this is so important in general.

Many people tend to say that it’s only true love when you feel like you’re in an emotional rollercoaster. I call bullshit. I think it’s the other way round.

I don’t want my relationship to hover between extremely positive and extremely negative all the time. For me that’s more like the source of insecurity in a relationship. In order to be able to really relax, you need stability and that’s what I got with her.

There where many times when I told her that I couldn’t quite realize that she was there with me and that everything was just so beautiful and relaxed without a catch. It’s somehow been so hard to handle the fact that she simply liked me. As if I was already beautiful enough the way I was.

One time after seeing her, I was really overwhelmed with emotion when I was alone again. I was just so swamped, because of someone giving me so much affection unconditionally. And at the same time I was so happy because of that.

I was so happy that I had to cry because of said joy, because of said overpowering. There were too many feelings all at once. I experienced something like that very rarely, but at no time did it feel bad.

I think that this was the moment when I finally became able to accept her love. The love I thought I deserved. After that I was plain happy. It was the first time ever that I sensed this kind of affection to be so on the spot in me. At that point I learned how to receive love.

Unfortunately it didn't work out in the end. None of us were really at fault for that. We didn't do anything wrong. But I learned quite a lot through her and with her. And one thing I learned was that you sometimes have to set a bird free and see for yourself if it will eventually fly back to you or not. Sometimes that's all you can and should do.

Anyways, what gives you the right to say you deserved love? And how should you love yourself when you think you haven’t deserved love in the first place? I think "deserve" is the wrong word. You have to do something in order to deserve something.

You don’t have to do anything for love. Nobody can earn love. Everybody is entitled to love.

I believe that you should accept the gift of love someone gives you every now and then without feeling the need to do something for it in exchange. Sometimes you already did enough by just existing and being the person you are.

And let’s be honest: if someone is willing to present you something for no reason, isn’t that the best proof ever that you mean very much to that person? And isn’t that the best proof ever that you’re special, when somebody else is giving so much thought to you?

It’s simple to tell yourself that you’re not perfect enough to be worthy of love. And still I think it’s the flaws and imperfections which make a person the one they are. As well are they the reason why you will never find yourself in a perfect relationship.

Long enough had I tried to cover my own shortcomings, until I noticed that it had been our flaws that made us interesting, unique and lastly beautiful …