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I am the focal point of everyone and everything
Everyone on this planet wants to bring me down
And everything on this planet is happening to harm me

Everybody’s looking at me, because I am not perfect enough
Everybody’s laughing at me, because I am a joke
Everybody’s waiting for me to make a mistake, because they want to judge me
Everybody’s hating me, because I am the only one who is struggling
Everybody’s thinking that I am not good enough

It’s me against the world
And it stresses me out

I am hiding because of you
Because I only feel safe, when I am on my own
In my room, where nobody else is
Where nobody else can blame me for who I am
Not even my nearest and dearest

I am drinking because of you
Because I can’t find another way to deal with your expectations
I need my daily dose of alcohol
It’s the only way for me to forget the failure I am
The only way for me to feel good about myself

To dream of the day I become happy
To dream of the day I have no problems anymore
To dream of the day I am perfect
To dream of the day I am liked by everybody
That day is not today and it won’t be tomorrow
I’m still too weak and too bad as I am right now

I don’t want to be seen
I don’t want to be laughed at
I don’t want to make mistakes
I don’t want to be judged
I don’t want to be disliked or hated
I don’t want to be a bad person

But I am and it wears me out
I don’t want it to continue
I want it to stop
I don’t want everything to revolve around me
I don’t want to be the center of the earth,
I just want to be a part of it.

I want to be a part in the worlds of the people I care about. I want to be imperfect with them. I want to laugh with them. I want to make mistakes and struggle with them. I want my true self to be enough for them.

Maybe not everything on this planet is happening to bring me down. Maybe not everyone wants to harm me. Maybe not everything revolves around me.

Maybe it’s not me against the world. Maybe it’s not even everybody against their own worlds. Maybe our battles are so unbelievably interconnected with each other. Maybe everybody needs the support of others sometimes.

Maybe all these people are not looking at me all the time. Maybe they are not judging me all the time. Maybe they look at something completely different while looking at my direction. Maybe they notice me and want me to be a part of their lives while looking at my direction.

Maybe they don’t think of me as a failure. Maybe they don’t want to judge me all the time. Maybe they don’t blame me for who I am. Maybe they want to show me their love and affection. Maybe they want to give me everything they’ve got, I don’t know why but they do.

And maybe the only thing that keeps me from becoming happy and loved and beautiful and attractive; maybe the only thing that keeps me from accepting myself and my flaws and my past actions is …

Myself.

Maybe I have to let go of everything I believed in, up until this moment. Maybe it’s time to take off this mask.
All of a sudden, I feel so much warmth. It feels like something I’ve never gotten before. I feel so accepted, even though I haven’t reached the things I wanted. I feel so beautiful, even though I am not perfect. I feel like I am enough, even though I’m lacking so many things.

I feel like I am … okay.

I am okay the way I am. It’s okay for me to have flaws. I am not the only one who has them. Everybody has flaws. Nobody is perfect. Flaws are allowed from now on. It’s allowed to be imperfect from now on.

I feel so fucking beautiful right now. I feel like my flaws are the most beautiful thing about me. And why would I think that I couldn’t make a single mistake? My flaws and my mistakes are what makes me a unique human-being.

I want to see it. I want to see the unique beauty of every human-being I meet and I want to show them mine. And if I do so, it will be okay if somebody else won’t like me for that. I will be okay with it. I will be okay.

I’ve never felt so much joy. I’ve never felt so much warmth. I’ve never felt so much comfort. I’ve never felt so relieved in my entire life.

I want to experience this over and over again and I want others to experience it as well. I want to show them their beauty for them. I want them to experience moments like the one I am experiencing right now.

Because, if I am not the only one who is struggling, that means that I am not the only one who needs this kind of warmth and compassion. And I am not the only one who thought he was the center of the earth.

Because I am not the chosen one, I am not the most important person on the earth. I am no saint. I am not a perfect robot. I am not the person I thought I had to be. Nobody is.

I am just a part of the big picture. Just like everybody else. And it never felt so great to be alive on this planet. From now on, everything will be different.

Goodbye perfection, hello imperfection! Hello, beauty. Hello, vulnerability. Hello, mistakes. Hello, humanity. Hello, real me. It’s been a while …

At that point I hadn’t realized yet, that this moment was only the beginning of a process that involved suffering through everything I repressed until then. A process full of pain and regrets. In this time, my journal became my best friend …